new blog

i know there's a small hand full of folks that followed this, so just wanted to let you know that nathan and i have started a new blog and we'd love for you to join us. it's under construction for now, but keep your eyes on it. we hope to share life with our new little love!

http://lifewithjoie.blogspot.com/

we're having a BABY!!

well, its been quite some time since i last blogged. oh how i've missed it. and instead of writing (yet again) about how i hope to do better, blah blah blah, i'm just going to jump in. i have known for a while that i wanted to blog while pregnant and during baby's first years, so heres to hoping i can do just that. 

since i last wrote, we have moved to a rental home, are on the hunt for a permanent home, and are excitedly celebrating the arrival of a little one. whew! we are excited and nervous and maybe a little bit scared, but more than anything, we are learning to trust and lean on christ for wisdom, guidance, and his timing. 

i have always wanted a baby. i always knew that i wanted to be a mom. but, i always knew i wanted to wait a little while before that happened. i was very grateful that nathan was on the same page with me. we had decided back while we were engaged that we wanted to wait a few years at least to start a family, we had always said 3-5 years. after i started experiencing some "female issues," we knew that our timeline might get bumped up a little. i am so grateful we waited as long as we did. the last 3 1/2 years have been full of travel, fun, spontaneity, lots of the unknown, and heaps of flexibility. of course, we could and would have made adjustments for a child, but i have loved how this time alone and together has allowed us to blend together, understand one another, grow in our love, and have a blast (not saying those things can't happen with a child- in fact, i anticipate taking all those things to the next level with little one here!). with it being just the two of us, we could live in a tiny basement apartment, up and travel to california for a long weekend, decide at the last minute to go to a drive-in movie, splurge on new bedroom furniture, and all the other many things we have done with our time. but now, its time to make some adjustments. and we couldn't be more thrilled about that. 

when we first started talking about "when" we wanted to start a family, it seemed so strange. as if it really mattered or depended on us and our timing. because of conversations with doctors, we knew when our best chance were, and combined with prayer, we believed that God was allowing us a glimpse into his timing. some days, i worried that it wouldn't happen. what if....??? two months went by and it was hard not to fixate on it. but i kept telling myself that God was in control. his timing was best. and it was only 2 months so far. 

by the middle of august, i had a sneaking suspicion. i couldn't get it off my mind. i hadn't even mentioned it to nathan yet, but i couldn't stop wondering. i didnt have any tell-tell signs, just a gut instinct. so one day after work, i decided i was going to stop wondering and just take a test. if it was negative, i wasn't going to think about it again until the next month. i think i really thought it was going to be- but hoped for something different. so i got home from work, took the test, laid it on the counter to straighten up a bit, and came back a few minutes later, shocked and ecstatic to see the words i had craved "PREGNANT." whoa. hold up. like, for real!? i started shaking and laughing out loud (and yes, i was home alone, but thats ok). i couldn't believe it. could it be true?  i hadn't even missed my cycle yet- so for it to say it so loudly i was like, ok! i only had one test, so i immediately rushed out to target to buy a few more, all the books on pregnancy that they had, and a gift bag for nathan. (about a year ago, maybe even more, i had a brilliant idea of how i wanted to tell him we were having a baby, so i went ahead and ordered it and kept it in my desk drawer so that i would be prepared for that day. crazy, i know). 

i rushed home, took 2 more tests, cried, thanked jesus, put nathan's gift together, and waited. i couldn't wait for him to get home. but i couldn't call him because i knew my voice would give away that something was up. so i waited. and waited. and waited. he actually even got home early that night, but it felt like forever. 

when he got home, i gave him the bag and attempted to record his reaction. i was shaking so bad i missed all of it. but i'll never forget it. at first he was like, "is this for someone else?" and i just shook my head. and then the light bulb came on and he said, "wait- are you pregnant?!" i burst in tears and smiles and said yes! he sat down next to me and we both tried to process it together. so crazy. so sweet. 

and so, the journey to becoming a family of 3 begins. 

questions

people love to ask questions. shoot, i love to ask questions. why? where? what happened next? how'd you feel? what did it taste like? was it good? when was that? what's the purpose? how do you do this? our whole lives, we've been taught to be inquisitive. to search out. to understand. to learn.
and this can be great. as a "learner" and someone high in "input," i can be queen of question. my mom tells stories of how, when i was little, the first thing out of my mouth each morning was, "what are we doing today?" i struggled with some great questions in my life, academically, spiritually, and some just for fun. i love the pursuit of knowledge. i love "to know."

one of the things i've realized in recent months though is the damage that questions can do. questions carry a lot of weight. and they can have tons of unintended consequences. see, the problem behind questions lies in their answers. you may wonder what i'm talking about, and its hard because i don't really want to overshare on here. but its like this-

say you ask someone how they are doing. simple enough question, right? but the problem lies in what they are going through- the answer they want to give you in their mind. they might be thinking- "i'm not doing good at all. ----- just happened, don't they know?!" instead they offer up an, "i'm good," but your question just reminded them of their pain.

how often do we ask question without really caring about the answer? the question above is a perfect example. how often do i ask "how are you?" when really, i'm just doing the social convention of making small talk. do i really care? and if i do care, what is the purpose of my caring? do i care for you and for your answer? do i care for the simple pursuit of knowledge? do i care because i want to have the tale to tell later? do i care because i believe i have "the right" to know?

it's time i pay attention to my motivations. it's time i show my friends i care by the questions i ask and don't ask.

i've decided to be more intentional in what i ask. this is going to be hard- its much easier to not pay attention. but i have been hurt by questions, and i do not want to inflict the same pain. i don't want my questions to serve as a reminder of someone's inner pain, inner conflict, or inner struggles.